If that was your dad, he is hot
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
