Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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