Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
