I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's shark week go big or go home
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
