walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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