she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
handjob tips. give me some.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
