i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Holy shit dude........stairs
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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