Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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