Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
