Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Randomize
