the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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