I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
