After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
