I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
