Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize