she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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