I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
