DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
