dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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