Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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