Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize