My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
