Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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