I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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