he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
