Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
