Betty ford says i'm here all night
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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