Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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