We're facebook friends in real life
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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