dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
