he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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