there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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