Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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