Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
