no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
