We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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