everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
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