Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
