saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
