woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
be right there i have to get my cape
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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