she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
