turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize