Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
