obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
