Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
