The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
