i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
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