You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
