it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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