If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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