i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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