I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Can you bring me the toilet please
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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