I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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