He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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