I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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