Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
