is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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