Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
