Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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