I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
