It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
