i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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