life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
