haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
