That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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